She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
