Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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