I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
