It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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