Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
