are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
