if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
