For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
