So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
