I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
