I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
