I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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