Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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