My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
