Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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