Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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