Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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