your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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