She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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