OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
