You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The best revenge is premature balding
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
