is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
