tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
pray to the hookup gods
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
