He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize