Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
