and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
