and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
