Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
