I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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