someone owes me an orgasm
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
A bitchslap is in order.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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