24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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