I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize