about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize