winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
