I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
