the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
