I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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