He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
