so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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