girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
