I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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