I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
