I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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