Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
