I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
