ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
