I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
