I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
