i already hear my dad disowning me
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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