I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
