I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
