you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
