talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
